CHAPTER 12
I guess I could tell about the three months that followed that night, but I don't see any sense in singing the same song three times in a row. Edie and I were just happy and constantly together.
It wasn't until we got down to the wedding arrangements, that we had our first tiff. I just wanted to go someplace and stand up in front of a judge and do it quick, but Edie wasn't having any of that. She wanted a church wedding complete with a preacher and trimmings.
I argued that the only dealings I had ever had with preachers was getting people buried, and that it always made me nervous to see them standing up in a pulpit saying kind things about someone they didn't know anything about, except that they were dead. But Edie said it wasn't like that at weddings, because weddings were happy occasions, and she was not going to be cheated out of one happy thing in life that was pure and beautiful and glorious just because I didn't care much about preachers.
I the end, she won out, not that I put up much of a fight, but because I wanted her to be happy. I figured if I could stay in a church long enough for a funeral, a wedding couldn't be much worse than that.
And I'll say right now that I was sure glad that it happened te way Edie wanted, because it did turn out pretty nice. I managed to get through the whole ceremony at the church and the reception afterwards without one dumb trick or embarrassing moment. And Edie was so pretty in her wedding gown that she just glowed brighter than the flowers and things that surrounded her, even if she did cry some. She was like one of those Catholic women in white garments that you see around hospitals all the time.
When I saw all the stuff that her friends gave her at the reception, I was sure I had licked the wolf forever. I did feel a little bad about not having any friends to sen some stuff for the wedding too, but Edie said it was all right, because we got more things than we really needed anyway. She used to laugh all the time about how we got eight bread toasters and seventy-seven bed sheets.
Then right after the reception, we drove down into the Ozark mountains for a two week honeymoon. It wasn't until then that I reverted to my usual habits and pulled a first class blooper.
When we pulled into the motel and parked, we had to go up a little path and several steps to reach out cottage. Edie was still wearing her wedding gown, and I had a heck of a time getting my arms around all that material so I could pick her up and carry her to the cottage and across the threshold. I sure could have used a navigator about then. Anyway, I made it all the way to the top step and thought there was another. I reached for it with my wood leg and suddenly Edie shot forward out of my arms like a white windsock with me right behind her. Her feet flew up like a diver doing a back flip and busted the manager, who was holding the door open for us, right on the chin and knocked him out cold. That only slowed our momentum, for Edie lit smack on her rump in front of me, and I sailed over her in a perfect coup de mattre and wound up with my head stuck under a cocktail table and my ass and legs perfectly entwined with one of those modernistic lamps with big loopholes in it.
Edie kept saying, "Oh! Hah! Oh! You! Oh! Hah!"
But I couldn't say a damn thing, because I was staring aghast at the bottom side of the cocktail table at a huge red label with a picture of a wolf's head and a bunch of gold hieroglyphics arranged so they said: "Made in Japan."
Then Edie said, "Oh, Hank, Look at you! You're a mess. Are you hurt?"
"Aw, heck, no! But I sure do wish I could get in and out of places like a normal human being."
"Well, come over and help me up then. We can't stay like this forever."
"I can't. My wood leg is half undone and stuck somewhere up above me, and I can't reach it."
"I, huh, ummph...can't get up either," Edie cried. "I'm snarled in corset staves. Here, maybe I can reach the straps on your leg and get you loose."
About that time the manager came to, saw Edie on the floor with her arm outstretched worse than a death scene at the Alamo, and me with my wood leg half-cocked in a hole on the lamp at an impossible angle and let out a scream that should have cracked the plaster.
Then about a dozen people swarmed in on us and laughed like everything. They started picking up the debris like a bunch of ring-a-ding idiots from outer space. We spent the best part of the next thirty minutes convincing the manager and other people that we were all right and that we weren't going to make a court case out of our entrance. When everybody was finally gone, Edie and I had a good laugh ourselves about the affair. Edie said it was something to remember for a long time, and I don't think she ever forgot. I know I didn't.
Of all the things there were to do during the time we spent at the resort, Edie took a fancy to fishing. In fact, she went bugs over it. It was just a sight the way she got all excited pulling in a catch. It didn't make any difference if it was a "toss-back" minnow or eating size catfish; they were all the same to her. She was a fast learner at it too, and quickly outgrew the cane pole and bobble-cork routine. By the time we left the resort she was swinging a fly-rod like an expert.
If our reservations hadn't of run out, I guess we would have stayed there much longer than we had planned. We really hated to leave. We always did plan to go back one day, but we never did. You know how it is. A family come along and life gets more and more complicated and a trip like that gets to be more of a dream than anything else. And the first thing you know, it's too late to go anymore, because things wouldn't be like they were, and you become afraid to destroy a dream.
Anyway, we stated back and Edie drove most of the way. I say drove when I mean zoomed. She had me on the edge of the seat trying to explain that there was nothing in St. Louis that needed our immediate attention. And she replied to that a dozen times: "Oh, Hank, you're such a worrywart. The Good Lord will call your number when he's ready. Until then live and live and live and enjoy it."
I had shot too many games of craps to trust much in ideas involving numbers...sevens just don't keep rotating on the up side all the time. Some of those other combinations come up pretty often, too.
But we made it back to the suburbs without wrecking the car. Then a heavy rain began to fall and Edie had to slow down. Besides that, there was a cop on our tail, and she always hated to argue with traffic cops.
But that one she always thanked, even though she never saw him, because, as she drove along, something happened that turned out to be one of the most pleasant things Edie and I ever shared.
We were going along a city street, when suddenly Edie whips the car over to the curb and exclaims, "Did you see it? Did you see it, Hank?"
"See what?"
"Back there...Oh! It was perfect. Lets go back and look."
Before I could even say yes or no, she peeled the car into a U-turn and we were on our way back to look. She gunned it down the street a couple of blocks, made another U-turn and screeched to a halt somewhere about half the distance between the two points, wherever that was, with me just about corkscrewed beneath the dashboard.
"Just look at it, Hank," she cried. "Isn't it beautiful?"
"I must be dumb. I don't see anything but a lot of water coming down and a couple of brick apartment buildings."
"No, no. That house back there. See?"
"House? What house?"
"There. Lean over this way and look between the two buildings."
By leaning forward and toward her until my nose was bumping against the steering wheel, I could see a portion of the front of a house with an odd shaped roof neatly framed in the walkway between the buildings.
"See it?" she asked eagerly.
"I think so. You mean that place about a block over?"
"Oh, yes. Isn't it beautiful?"
"Yeah. I guess you could call it that."
"Oh, Hank, let's go take a look."
"It's okay with me," I shrugged, thinking she meant to drive.
She jumped out of the car and started walking.
"Edie! It's raining!" I yelled.
"No kidding," she yelled back. "Come on chicken."
Well, there wasn't anything to do but jump out and follow her. I caught up with her and grabbed her hand and we walked all the way over to the house. We stopped in front of it like a pair of squishy long-johns in an automatic washer.
"Isn't it just a dollhouse, Hank? Isn't it just about the cutest thing you ever saw?"
"Yeah! Beautiful!" I gargled.
"Oh, Hank, when we get our affairs all straightened out, I hope we can have a place like this to live. It's so beautiful."
"It's empty." I said suggestively.
"I know it," Edie said. "And it's a shame that someone isn't living in it. A house like this needs to be lived in."
"Let's see if we can get in and look it over."
"Oh, Hank, we can't. We might get in trouble for trespassing."
"No, we won't," I said, pulling her toward the front door.
"It's got a 'For Sale' sign on it."
The door was locked, but Edie was hooked by that time. So we went slopping around the yard until we had peeked in every window. Then we walked back to the sidewalk, and Edie stood there in the rain for several minutes, looking at the house like it was the only thing in the world.
Then we sloshed back to the car and drove on into St. Louis in utter silence.
We got dried out in a hotel that night, but we didn't get rid of Edie's dream home. I think she must have had nightmares about it all night long, the way she rolled and tossed. That was enough for me.
I was up at the crack of dawn and told her that I had to take care of a couple of business matters. I drove back to the house, got the agent's name off the sign, and went to see him.
I had one hellofa time convincing him that I wanted that house right then and there. He gave me a bunch of jabber about legal requirements and my credit background and how it would take several days for the papers to clear the bank. And I told him that I didn't give a damn how long it took for the papers to clear, and he started getting smart about the whole transaction. Then I got mad and wrote out a check for $12,385.47 and told him if that wasn't enough he could lump the whole deal. I told him not to give me any more crap about not getting in until some banker was satisfied and just to say yes or no, or I was going to bust him right in the choppers.
He got to sputtering like a man smoking the wrong end of a cigar when he saw the color of my money. He started apologizing all over the place then, and told me that he hadn't realized that I meant to pay cash for the place. He gave me the keys and told me he would get the papers all legalized and would deliver them to me personally -- which he did about three months later through the courtesy of the United States Postal Department, and, at that, he didn't put enough postage on the envelope.
All the way back to the hotel I kept thinking how I'd break the news to Edie, and couldn't make a choice. In a way I wasn't exactly sure I had done the right thing, because she might have wanted to be there to help buy her dream home. But, on the other hand, I was pretty proud of my wedding present. So when I got there, I decided to just keep it a surprise and act like I had been out drinking with the boys all day.
Edie wasn't the least bit peeved, but she did let me know that she wasn't going to live in a hotel any longer than she had to, and that I could just postpone any plans that I had for the next day, because we were going apartment hunting. Then I suggested it was still early and why didn't we just park our stuff and go out to the zoo. While we were going out that way we could maybe keep our eyes open for something.
Well, she was all for the ride to the zoo, but she balked about packing the stuff and taking it with us, because she was only going to do that when we found us a place to settle down permanently. I couldn't buck that reasoning without giving away the secret, so we left the stuff there and started out.
Heck, it came off slicker than a con man playing the pigeon game. I just meandered all over the streets and worked the car in the general direction of the house. Edie didn't begin to catch on until I parked in front of the place.
"Hank, why did you drive out here again?" She asked.
"Oh, we were coming this way, anyway, and I thought maybe you'd like to see what the place looked like when it wasn't raining."
Then she began to get that bright light in her eyes. "Oh, Hank, I just wish...Oh, it's so pretty." She sighed.
"Hey!" I said. "I thought I saw someone inside. Let's go see if they'll let us in for a look."
Edie was half way up the sidewalk before I could get out of the car. She marched right up to the front door and knocked on it just like she was calling on a friend.
"See anyone?" She asked, when I got there, and then knocked on the door again. "No one answers," she said.
"Maybe they went out back. Why don't you go around and see? I'll stay here in case they come out the front way."
Edie hurried on around the side of the house, and while she was gone I slipped the key in the lock and pushed the door open. Then I just waited, grinning.
When she came back around the corner she looked a little downcast. I put a finger to my lips to indicate silence and motioned her forward. She sure looked a sight, tip-toeing toward me. The second she got near enough, I picked her up -- all one hundred and ten pounds of her -- and carried her into her new home.
She was startled for a moment. Then she looked into my eyes and her eyes got real big and sparkled and filled with tears. "Hank! Hank? Haaank? You...Hank! You didn't! Oh, Hank!"
I kissed her.
Then she kissed me and jumped out of my arms and started running through the place like a little puppy dog looking for a place to pee.
She got to calling, "Oh, Hank come and see this. Hurry, Hank, you've just got to see it."
But, by the time I'd get there, she would be off in another corner or room calling out the same thing. I finally just sat down on the stairway and waited for her to run herself out. And after awhile she came and cuddled up to me, and she sat there chattering and dreaming and putting imaginary curtains on the windows and arranging imaginary furniture until she had the place so full it would have taken a house three times bigger to hold it all.
And then it grew dark, and I felt real good inside, because Edie was so happy. She cuddled closer, and, finally, we were as close as two young married people could get, right there on the stairway on the first evening in our brand new home.
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